How Telus Lost a Customer

Posted on July 11, 2006
Filed Under /dev/null/ | 63 views |

Part of moving in the modern age is getting all the services necessary for daily life connected to the new home. Not water or electricity or heat but the real necessities like cable and internet access, the important ones around which life revolves. Two days ago I would have thought, given the recurring revenue streams involved and the economies of scale these services afford their providers, that all the providers would do everything they could to make acquiring these services as easy and painless as possible. Today I know this is not so, not by a long shot. Today I know that some companies think we’re all criminals, lay-abouts, ne’er-do-wells.

For the second time in two days I’m talking about you, Telus. You with whom for seven years I’ve had mostly flawless cellphone service (we’ll forget that craptastic Sony cellphone debacle of the late 90’s, everyone stumbles now and then), with whom until yesterday I had nothing but good will when everyone around me seemed to hold you in nothing but contempt.

All I was looking for was good ol’ high-speed internet service. No cable, no land-locked phone lines, no free computers or credit cards, no bundles. I’d think that, in this day and age when we seem to take the internet granted, like breathing or good beer, finding such a thing would be easy. I knew that out here in the west (West?) Telus is a force to be reckoned with. I expected that they’d be happy to provide another service to a long-standing customer. I even secretly hoped I might leverage that good will for a small perk or two.

Instead, in exchange for the internet, Telus asked for the sum total of my very existance.

As a computer geek I’m pretty sensitive to the privacy issues that surround technology, the to ease with which an identity can be stolen, the cunning of the phishers, the farming out of data by governments to foreign companies. When I start to think about it too much it starts to seem paranoid but then I think about how an entire industry has sprung up around fixing credit report errors and it doesn’t seem like paranoia after all. When every bit that you are in our society is now stored in a digital database it makes sense to minimize your exposure as much as possible.

So what’s that got to do with Telus and getting basic high-speed internet service, something that costs roughly the same as what I’m prone to spending on beer each month (about $40)? Everything.

Here’s what you’ll need to give to Telus before they’ll hook you up to the net:

• name
• address
• phone number
• social insurance number
• driver’s license number
• date of birth
• employer’s name
• employer’s address
• employer’s phone number
• supervisor’s name
• credit card number

If you don’t own the place you live in but instead are renting, add on the following:

• landlord’s name
• landlord’s addresss
• landlord’s phone number

Seems like a bit much to be able to check one’s email doesn’t it? In fact, we needed less information than that to rent the apartment we’re now living in. Obviously some of those make perfect sense but many are patently absurd. And I told the Telus rep that. When he asked for info he didn’t need, like SIN, I said “You don’t need that info”. The Canadian government itself recommends you not provide that information needlessly (and it is needless to give it to any commercial entity).

He responded: “Sir, is there a reason you don’t want us to have it? Is there a reason you don’t want us to do a credit check?”
“Not at all”, says I. “With my name, my driver’s license and credit card have have all you need to both do a credit check and charge me for the service.”
“We need all this information sir. Is there a reason you don’t want us to have it? We’re so close to beinng finished. I’m sure there’s nothing to hide.”

At which I pointed out that were I to provide all that information to Telus he, and anyone at Telus with access to my account, would have enough information about me to be me. All they’re missing in their list of personal data is my mother’s maiden name and the name of my pet.

After being asked if I had a reason to hide information from them for a third time (the ol’ “only those with something to hide wouldn’t co-operate” gambit) I hung up on him. Some people can’t be reasoned with.

To boot Telus also promised to have the service installed within 10 working days. Within a full two weeks. I do not say this lightly: idiots.

Today we called Shaw, the television provider out here in Vancouver. Ten minutes later, requiring nothing but a name, address and driver’s license, Shaw promised to have the internet connection hooked up by 10am tomorrow morning. They didn’t even ask for a credit card.

And the funny thing is: I’ve never dealt with Shaw before; never even heard of them until yesterday afternoon and presumably not they of me either. If that’s how Shaw treats a complete stranger I can’t wait to find out where we’ll be in seven years.

Bite me Telus. Now excuse me while I find a new wireless provider.

Update: Shaw promised to be here between 8am and 10am this morning. At 9:30am the technician arrived, hooked it up (by which I mean stripped the coaxial, plugged it into the modem and called in the serial number) and lo! that I am writing this at all is proof of existence. Well done Shaw.

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